Disarm
by alonewithmyself
Summary: Tegan visits Sara's house for dinner. A whole lot of heartbreak follows. One shot.


My Blackberry buzzed as it sat on the countertop. I stopped whisking my fourth failed batch of hollandaise sauce and reached for my phone.

_"I'll be there in ten." _

Her short reply made something inside my chest hurt. Tegan had given up on telling me that she loved me a couple of months ago. She told me that it was difficult. I still made sure that I expressed my love for her even if she didn't want to hear it. I sent an affectionate reply and rushed back to the hollandaise that had now turned into a congealed mess. I sighed as I grabbed the bowl and dumped its contents into the trash.

I poured myself a glass of wine and brought it over to the table. I had set it with a few candles and the dishes I usually saved for dinner parties and visits from my mother. My eyes found themselves being constantly drawn towards the clock, counting down the minutes until Tegan arrived. Busying my hands, I straightened up the plate in front of me and leant across to check that the shoulder of pork I had in the oven wasn't burning to a crisp.

As soon as the doorbell rang my heart began to pound. Shuffling into the hall, I paused to run a hand over my bangs in the mirror and straighten my shirt collar. I took a deep breath before opening the door. Tegan stood on my mat in ripped jeans and an oversized denim button down nearly hidden under one of her leather jackets. She hid her eyes behind a pair of sunglasses despite it being pitch black outside. "Hi, love," I said shyly before biting my lip.

A hint of a smile crossed her face but quickly disappeared as she stepped into my apartment. I watched as she took her jacket off and hung it up beside my own. She turned to look at me and I waited for her to kiss me. My eyes were probably pleading for her to come closer but instead of my lips being met by the softness of hers, I received a quick kiss on the cheek. My heart sank as Tegan moved into my living room without uttering a word.

Once I turned the corner I found her standing in the middle of the room, her eyes finally visible and her sunglasses tucked into the top pocket of her shirt. This was the first time I noticed how tired she looked. Her skin was pale and the glasses were clearly an attempt to hide her dark circles. I heard her joints crack as she dropped down onto my couch. "Wine?" I asked and she nodded.

I walked into the kitchen and grabbed the glass I had already looked out, pouring the wine and then placing the bottle on the table. When I turned back to the living room Tegan was up again and fiddling around beside my record player. She ran a finger along one shelf of LPs and selected one, pulling the record out from its sleeve. After blowing it free of dust, she placed it on the player and gently guided the needle down. Leonard Cohen's voice reached out into every corner of the room before Tegan turned it down to create suitable mood music.

Bringing over our glasses, I watched her gently swaying from foot to foot. She reached out and took the wine before taking a sip, peering at me over the rim of her glass. Before I could take another swig of my own, Tegan had grabbed my glass from my hand and was sitting it down next to hers on the coffee table. "Come here," she whispered and held her hand out for me.

I slipped my fingers between hers as she pulled me up against her body. She wrapped her arms around my waist as I let my cheek rest on her shoulder, my face pressed close to her neck. Tegan continued to sway gently and I moved with her. I listened to her as she breathed deeply in my ear.

"Tegan?" I murmured into her neck.

"Yeah, Sar?" she breathed.

"You love me, right?"

She didn't answer immediately. Her grip on me tightened as she processed my words. The longer she took to answer, the more my heart jumped around inside my chest. I began to count the seconds out in my head to calm myself. I realised that the answer I was looking for probably wasn't going to come.

"I do," Tegan finally replied, "I love you, Sara."

Her arms loosened around my waist but she still held onto my body and kept me swaying with her. I closed my eyes and buried my face further into her neck, taking in the smell of her skin mingled with the smell of laundry detergent on her shirt. I wanted to cry so badly.

I served dinner and we ate in silence, the music still playing providing gentle relief. Tegan watched me closely as I cut each piece of my meat and put it in my mouth. Her eyes would only leave me when she wanted to eat the next item on her plate.

"I'm sorry that the asparagus is so bad," I apologised, attempting to spark conversation, "I tried to make hollandaise but it didn't quite work. I thought a little butter might help despite."

"It's delicious," she remarked as she crunched into another piece of crackling.

The silence fell again but she continued to study me. Usually I didn't mind her staring at me. It was one of her habits; staring at me as I read, as I bathed, as I trembled beneath her after she made love to me. Usually her stare was so loving, that certain look glossing over her eyes that made my stomach flip knowing that just my existence made her spine tingle and her lips quiver. The loving look had disappeared from her eyes and now, more worryingly, wasn't replaced by anything. I couldn't see any hint of anger, or upset, or hurt. I looked at her and saw nothing.

Tegan ate her last piece of asparagus and placed her cutlery down vertically on her plate. Her knife hit off of the porcelain and it made me jump. I looked at her and could see instantly that a panic was spreading through her. It was the first real emotion she had shown all evening. She tapped her foot on the floor nervously, reaching for her glass of wine with a shaky hand. She took a large mouthful and gulped it down. I looked her right in the eye and before I could even blink she had scraped her chair back from the table and was up on her feet. "I'm so sorry," she whispered, "I can't do this."

Her breathing became erratic and she shook from head to toe before me. I rose from my place at the table and reached out for her. My fingertips grazed the side of her arm and she recoiled from the touch. Her top lip quivered like a child's would if they were about to cry. She shuffled backwards unsteadily, her hands reaching behind her to grip onto the countertop. I almost lunged after her, my hands tightening around her biceps to hold her in place. She tried to shake me off but I held on. "What is the matter with you?" I asked sharply.

Tegan shook her head, "I can't do this anymore, Sara."

"Do what?" I snarled.

"This!" she cried, "Us!"

With a final shove she managed to pull my hands away from her. My stomach knotted and my heart began to beat even faster. I could hear the sound of my blood whooshing in my ears as we stared at each other in silence. "Are you serious?" I finally whispered.

"Everything is so fucked up," she said through gritted teeth, "It's too hard, Sara."

"You're a coward," I snapped, "After everything. After trying so hard."

Tegan pushed herself away from the countertop and paced into the living room. I whipped myself around to watch her go out into the hall, returning a second later with her jacket in her hand. "I am a coward," she shouted at me, shoving her arms into the sleeves of her jacket and pulling it on with force.

"After all I've done for you!" I pointed at her accusingly, my anger spilling over, "You made me lie to mum. I had to stand by and watch you parade Lindsey in front of the whole world. I have stood on stage with you for nearly twenty years singing songs written about years of heartache and misery caused by this crippling love for you that I could never seem to shake off no matter how hard I tried. Pages and pages of lyrics that people tell me have changed their lives but I'm damned to bet that they would be disgusted to know what tortured part of my soul they came from."

My cheeks were wet from tears that had escaped from me without my knowledge. Tegan's face remained stony as I held back a sob to continue.

"In this sick way, I need you more than I should ever need anyone. I can't bear to be without you and it's so fucked up."

I watched as her face softened slightly and she approached me timidly. Her hand rose up to my face as she tried to brush away my tears with her fingers but I slapped it away. I turned my back to her as I tried to compose myself. "Answer me this," I choked out.

"What, Sara?"

"Why start something you could never have finished? Why would you let me love you if you knew it would be too hard?"

Tegan sighed, "I couldn't help myself."

When I turned back to her I could see that she had begun to cry too. Her whole body still shook. It made me feel so angry. To see her in pain made it all feel so unfair. She was leaving me, breaking my heart, and she was still allowed to cry. The more I looked at her, the angrier I became. My muscles tensed and my fists clenched into tight balls, my nails cutting into my palms.

"I'm sorry, Sara," Tegan finally said.

Her apology made me tremble. She sounded so genuine. Her words dripped with sincerity.

"Get out," I spat.

Tegan looked at me with soft eyes that were still wet with tears.

"I didn't mean to hurt you," she whispered.

Before I could stop myself, I reached for the wine glass sitting on the table behind me and hurled it at her head. She cried out and ducked, the glass shattering on the wall behind her. I wailed as I watched her run out into the hallway.

After several deep breaths, I crept into the hallway. The door was lying open, letting a cold draft whip around my ankles. I looked out into the darkness but I couldn't see Tegan. She was gone. I gripped onto the edge of the door before slamming it shut with all of my might. I could help myself and I wept, my legs giving way. My body slid down against the door and onto the laminate. I cried until it became difficult to breathe. The record she had put on still played softly.


End file.
